Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize