Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
