I'm jealous of your bromance
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
