If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i drank out of a bidet.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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