rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
