i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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