I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
