the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
