my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
