I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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