I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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