Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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