How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
