The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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