I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
