Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize