I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
