Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
