I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize