god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
