I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
