I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
