In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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