Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
