I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
COCAINE IS GR8
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
