i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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