as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
