I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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