I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
