The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
