3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
FUCK WHALES
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
