had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
