I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
