My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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