I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
