He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
