I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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