Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
