Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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