please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
