Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
