bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
