She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
