I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
