she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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