I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
