sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
