i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
