Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
