Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize