i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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