Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
