I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
