he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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