At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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