He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
