No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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