i jhust puked up my retainher.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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