guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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