I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
