My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
