I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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