I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
