I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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