when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
