i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
